The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
You Might Also Like
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.