Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Accurate

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool