The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is