The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
You Might Also Like
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Cats are still liquid.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this