The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.