The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
the three branches of government
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
BaD BoY!!
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers