The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
He just like my cat fr
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️