The chart results are in…
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Can you solve the riddle??
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.