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Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Not my job 😂
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.