The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
True
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father