Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me