Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Why am I like this?

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.