The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

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They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.


I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.


Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.


A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”


I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.


A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.


*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit


Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first


Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.


last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀