@LeslieInMpls

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

You Might Also Like

@Scdavis24

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

@GrillinChillin9

I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.

@dlockw21

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

@meladoodle

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

@impaulmccoy

I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.

@LnL245

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

@Browtweaten

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@bestestname

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

@beardofprey

last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀