doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.
OFFICER: are u reformed?
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.