The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.