@LeslieInMpls

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

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@BraandoCommando

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@SamuelHLowe

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@Trudacious

Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.

@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@markleggett

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.

@KentWGraham

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

@JVarsityCaptain

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.