The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS