The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
With a text.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
