The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
S O O N
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Sheep
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice