Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.