Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.