The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.


That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?


No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)


I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.


I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.


I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.


[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words


Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.


*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”