I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.
did you read dr seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”