The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.