Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child