The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
According to math, I’m broke
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you