@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

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@KeetPotato

dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”

@noxxhell

“What protection do you use?”

“Protection?”

“When you have Sex.”

“Sex??”

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

@SondraDeeMe

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

@Contwixt

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

@msdanifernandez

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.