The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance