dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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“What protection do you use?”
“When you have Sex.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
You going to eat those sausages?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.