Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Truly one of the great bangers

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12