Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.