The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave