The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
That’s a good costume, I hope.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?