Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

this is 10/10 content no notes

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad