Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

being a writer on Twitter:

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.