Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Oops

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.