The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?