The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Support your local cemetery
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.