The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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How funny!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
🤣😂🤣😂
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
LOL
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes