The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.