The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I can also cook 😂
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further