The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved