The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital