The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.