The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Did I do this right
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”