The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
just got my engagement photos
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all