The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“The Perfect Relationship”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”