The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.