Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.