The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Worst bar ever.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”