Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Breaking news:

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT