Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

constantly working on myself.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.