Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

getting old is fun