Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.