The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I think I’ll stand
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?