the chicken was already gone when I got here
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?