the chicken was already gone when I got here
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Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“Why you watching this shit?”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water