Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

This hospital has everything

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.