The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You Might Also Like
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
how to have an accident 101
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to