The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
🤣🤣🤣🤣
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”