Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Not helping

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*