Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄