Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.