The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
do u think theres a butter planet?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.