The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When the blood pressure machine comes out for one person the whole family has to get involved
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up