The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
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[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
2 years later
🤣🤣🤣
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.