The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
i hope my email finds you on fire
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
<—- homeless romantic
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood