Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

*lint rolls you awake*

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming