The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist