Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1667504590227374080/vid/404x720/CdYv7p79DDD_Gi45.mp4?tag=14

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.