The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The median voter
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
A Match(.com), but for socks.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.