The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I’ve been drinking.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Yeah. This was me today.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.