The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Where is your GOD now????
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.