The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
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DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Yup!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there