The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.