Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.