Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I’m literally crying

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever