The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
You Might Also Like
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
you could not pay me to delete this app
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.