the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
You Might Also Like
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Who called it baking and not making love
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?