the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I love you…
…r dog.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My flabber has been gasted.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The best shot in the history of golf
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.