the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“OMGJK” -atheists
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.